All the advice you need for first-time sex
The secret thing you don’t realize about the first time you have sex until way after it’s happened is that there’s no wrong way to do it. As long as it’s totally consensual and safe, you’re doing everything right.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel nervous (or even a little anxious) about doing the deed for the very first time. Everyone has pre-sex jitters—no matter how cool they pretend to play it. And you should embrace the awkwardness! Because, I hate to break it to you, but sex can be just as awkward the 500th time you do it as the first. Smushing two clumsy bodies together is a perfect recipe for weird sounds and fumbling around, and that never really changes.
Here, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and psychotherapist Nicole Tammelleo, LCSW-R, share their tips for making your first time as pleasurable as possible.
1. Don’t fake an orgasm.
I know pop culture has ingrained in us all the need to moan and writhe with pleasure at every single touch, but do yourself a favor down the line and don’t set the bar for an orgasm via kiss immediately. Tammelleo says this is especially important the first time you have sex with a new partner. You don’t want to create any unrealistic standards, especially since many women don’t have orgasms the first time they have sex with a new partner.
“If you fake an orgasm or tell your partner you had one when you didn’t, it’s harder to communicate your needs in the future,” Tammelleo says. Plus, once you get into the habit of faking, it makes it that much harder to stop, take a step back, and be like, “Actually, what you’re doing doesn’t rock my world as much as you think, sorry.”
2. Be comfortable asking questions.
Whether it’s your first or fiftieth time having sex, the worst thing you can do is go into it with the assumption that you know everything about what your partner wants. No amount of slumber party gossip about blow jobs and giving massive hickeys can prepare you for what your partner is actually gonna be into. The only way to find out is to ask them: Do they like oral sex, or would they rather leave that off the menu? Would they rather have the music on or off? Not only does asking questions show your partner that you care, but it may also encourage them to do the same—making the whole experience better for everyone.
3. Know that sex should never hurt.
“Many women believe that the first time they have sex it will be painful,” says Tammelleo. “While it might be a little uncomfortable and awkward, it really should not be painful.”
Tammelleo adds that “hundreds of women” have told her that, when they had penetrative sex for the first time, it felt like their partner was “hitting a brick wall.” Which is absolutely not what this should feel like. Lube is an absolute must-have (more on that later), but if that doesn’t help get things running smoothly, you should consult your doctor or a gynaecologist to see if you may have a condition called vaginismus, which makes it really hard for anything to enter the vagina.
If your vagina is burning or itching or feels any sort of bad thing during or after sex, talk to your doctor, especially if the sensation quickly doesn’t go away on its own or gets worse over time.
4. And also that you might (or might not!) bleed.
The (incorrect, pretty problematic) myth that everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they have penetrative sex is, as is turns out, very much not true!
Yes, some people do bleed the first time, and that bleeding is usually caused by the stretching of your hymen—a thin, delicate piece of tissue located just a couple inches inside the vagina. But more than 50 per cent of people don’t bleed their first time, because the hymen can be stretched during regular, non-sex activities like jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike, or running around.
Also, bleeding after sex can happen at any time in your life—not just the first time. Once again: lube is your new BFF.
5. Remember not to compare your experience with anyone else’s.
Not only should you temper your expectations going into it, but also keep in mind that when you’re looking back on the experience later, not to beat yourself up about it. If you waited to have sex for the first time with a long term partner only to break up in the future, don’t feel bad for sharing that experience with that person as long as you had consensual, enthusiastic fun in the moment. It’s normal to cringe thinking about past sexual experiences, but that’s part of the fun.
6. You don’t have to tell someone it’s your first time, but you might want to.
No new partner deserves a full report of your sexual history. Whether you’ve slept with 50 people or zero, that’s your business. I repeat: no one is entitled to your “number.” However, getting intimate for the first time can be… well, intimate. If you feel like you’re withholding something important to you, it could negatively affect your overall comfort level and ~vibe~.
If you tell someone you’ve never had sex before and they freak, then they’re probably not someone you wanted to be with anyway. They should take that as their cue to be even more communicative with you.
7. Being safe can actually relax you.
Nothing is more distracting than worrying about STIs and pregnancy during sex. Even if it feels awkward, it is so, so, so important to chat with your partner beforehand about what you’ll do to protect yourselves. Use a condom even if you’re on another form of birth control to protect you both from STIs unless you are both monogamous with each other and STI-free (check out local clinics like Planned Parenthood for free/affordable testing).
8. Enthusiastic consent is a prerequisite for everything you do.
“Make sure you enthusiastically consent to each and everything the two of you do together,” Marin says. “‘Enthusiastic’ is a key part of that sentence. Don’t just go along with something—make sure you’re excited about it.”
Remember that just because you start an activity—for example, sex—you don’t have to finish or continue it: You have the right to pause or stop whatever it is. No. Matter. What. Same goes for your partner, of course: Check in with each other as things progress to make sure you’re both enthusiastic about what you’re doing.
9. Remember to breathe.
A big part of enjoying sex is focusing on the sensations you’re feeling instead of, for example, your nervousness (which is totally common to feel your first time, even if you know you’re ready to have sex). “Deep breathing is a fantastic way to let go of distracting thoughts,” Marin points out. As you’re taking those deep breaths, focus on how different parts of your body are feeling and how your partner’s body feels against yours—not just the obvious part, but their fingers in your hair, hands on your hips, whatever it is.
10. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Did I mention foreplay?
The more aroused you are, the better sex is likely to feel, so don’t neglect foreplay — including oral sex, manual sex, and, yes, good, old-fashioned kissing. “You’re more likely to orgasm from oral sex or fingering,” Marin says. “Resist the temptation to think of these activities as the things you do before moving on to the ‘main event.'” Whether or not you do orgasm the first time you have sex, clitoral stimulation is the key to most women’s pleasure, and vaginal intercourse doesn’t usually provide very much of it.
11. Caring about your partner’s pleasure matters more than your technique.
It’s natural to worry that you won’t be “good” in bed your first time, but trust: what matters most is that you are invested in how your partner feels and vice versa and that you two are communicating about it.
“A lot of people get anxious about sexual performance, but perhaps the best quality in a lover is enthusiasm,” Marin says. If you’re genuinely enjoying giving your partner pleasure, they’ll notice it, and have more fun, she says. Need some guidance to get you started? Simple questions like, “How does that feel?” and, “Do you like when I [fill in the blank]?” give your partner a chance to express appreciation for what you’re doing or (gently) ask for something a little different.
12. Feedback is not the same as criticism, so don’t hesitate to give it.
A common concern is that if you tell your partner something doesn’t feel good — or something else would feel better—they’ll feel attacked. But if they care about your pleasure, they’ll be happy to hear how to help you feel it. In the moment, it can be hard to figure out what exactly you want, so it can be helpful to talk after the fact about what you enjoyed, what you could do without, and what you’d like to try next time. And if you don’t have an orgasm, don’t feel pressure to pretend to have one. Think of organism not as your responsibility but as a fun goal to work toward with your partner(s), together.
13. Lube is your friend.
Using lube sometimes gets a bad rap as a sign that you’re not turned on enough, but even if you and your body are saying “OK, let’s do this!” a little lube can make sex so much more pleasurable. Another benefit of using a water- or silicone-based lube with a condom (avoid oil-based lube, which can degrade latex) is that less friction means the condom is less likely to tear.
14. Your partner’s penis might not do everything the two of you want.
Whether premature ejaculation, a limp penis, or inability to orgasm strike, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with your partner or you failed them somehow. Comfort with a new partner often takes time and communication, and that goes for both men and women.
Also, maybe this is a little much for your first time (but really it isn’t), there’s nothing wrong with bringing in a sex toy. Actually, it’s a great idea for all sex-having people.
15. Temper your expectations.
Teen movies and TV shows sold us a pretty unrealistic vision of what having sex for the first time looks like. It’s always perfectly choreographed and mood-lit and romanticand ends in an implied simultaneous orgasm. As if.
Don’t expect fireworks the first time you have sex—sex is messy and human and flawed and often awkward, no matter how many times you’ve done it. It’s the practice and the exploration that make sex fun.
5 Things Which Destroy Relationships
Please permit me to comfortably share my views on five things which destroy relationships these days. Using my many years of experiences in fruitful and bitter relationships, I want to assist you to know the barriers to good romantic relationships. A lot of marriages today have lost their meanings. What happens now is that; two lovers stand before sacramental altars to make unfounded promises that they would never split until death separates them. Ironically, these untrustworthy promises sometimes fail to manifest their usefulness in the long run. The result of these failed promises is what we call divorce. But this is completely normal. Successful marriages do yield responsible offsprings who remain to create progenies.
The following 5 factors destroy relationships
As I opined above, some marriage partners are only good at making promises, some couples don’t live by their words. Those who find no sexual satisfaction with their partners eventually step out of their marriages to seek better extramarital sex. Wealth doesn’t necessarily guarantee a successful and trustworthy marriages; there are many rich marriages that have fallen on the rocks. We have heard a lot of such stories where rich football players father unknown children from their wives. Some married men also produce illegal kids with the different women who aren’t their legitimate partners. Conversely, there are lot of impoverished marriages which have stood the test of time. When the hidden sexual agendas of unfaithful couples are brought to the limelight, the immediate result is normally divorce.
This isn’t uncommon in our society today. The main reasons for many marriages is to procreate. Even though, sexual gratification might stand as the focus of other marriage types, but generally, most couple marry in order to produce children. Consequently, in situations where married couples struggle unsuccessfully for decades to produce just one child, the end result is normally calling it quits. This is completely understandable. In many of such unfortunate scenarios, the childless couple eventually take bold collective decisions to end their marriage. To them, there is no use staying together without having children.
Married couples aren’t always perfect or happy and compatible as we see them. Disagreements over crucial decisions such as family planning, social security and sharing or possession of properties could engulf couples. When fights, insults and disrespect constantly erupt among couples, there is a higher tendency for divorce to gradually eat its way into such marriages. However, when conflicting partners are humble enough to seek counselling or peaceful conflict resolutions, sometimes it’s possible to save such quarreling marriages from divorce. There are also marriages in which partners are consumed by pride, disrespect and animosity. Physical assault or bullying by partners will eventually lead to divorce. It is very common for partners in rural traditional marriages to suffers beatings and threats from their spouses. How long can partners endure such brutal beatings? Definitely, not for many years.
Sex is very important in marriages. It is the accident that leads to the occurrence of pregnancies and later on, child birth. In situations where married partners do not get the desirable amount of sexual intercourse from their better-halves, issues could turn worse. When the man or woman is very weak in bed and can’t last for a reasonable amount of time during intercourse, it could leave the fate of such a marriage in tatters. Some couples also develop insatiable sexual desires (addiction to sex). It’s impossible for an impotent man to settle down successfully with a prostitute. It’s a clear fact. Let’s don’t argue.
Some couples produce countless children but lack the economic resources to cater for the needs of such overpopulated families. Lack of money to buy basic household necessities such as food, water, shelter and clothing could mar the joys of married couples. How can a couple have sex like if their stomachs are empty? Like the saying goes, “an army matches on its stomach.” Its unwise to expect a successful marriage from couples who continuously shirk their responsibilities. Good mothers should cook food for the family, bath the kids and fetch water. Responsible husbands should pay children school fees, provide shelter and foodstuff for the family. When couples fail to meet growing demands for basic needs and cost of utilities, it could result in divorce; a possible solution to that misery.
Read Other Cool Articles Below; Your relationship will not be the same
The Right Time to Marry Your Girlfriend?
Girlfriends differ in beauty and character. But how will you perfectly plan the right time to marry the right girlfriend? It’s not enough to have a good girlfriend; the pressing issue is when to finally decide to take her to the altar. Nowadays, the ultimate goal of most serious romantic relationships is marriage. Consequently, once you enter into a relationship, you become tied to a string of marriage promises.
There is no doubt that marriage is an important social institution which fulfills the common dreams of the lovers involved. In fact, I can’t wait to get married to Bella (my supposed beautiful girlfriend). We have been together for too long (almost 3 years). Even though I would like to get married as soon as possible, I do think that marrying the right girlfriend at the wrong time could negatively affect your futures. The worst case scenario is when you marry a wrong girlfriend at the wrong time; then you are finished.
Are you bothered with thoughts about when you should marry your sweetheart? Does your girlfriend keep pestering you with marriage arrangements? Don’t worry; Be relieved. This article will assist you to cope with the pressures and demands which come with dating.
Factors to Consider Before Marriage
Desirable Partner Qualities
Girlfriends come in millions but few are good and marriageable. We can say that, many are called, but few must be chosen. A man may be able to hide and date multiple girls for fun, but theoretically, it’s impossible for him to get married to all of them. I think it is pretty easy to figure out the right girl to marry. Just ask yourself these questions: Do you really love each other? Is your partner understandable or trustworthy? Is she respectful? Can she support you to achieve your dreams? For me, these are the most important qualities I usually expect from good girlfriends. Once I ascertain that a girl possesses these desirable qualities, it becomes very easy for me to fall for such a girl. I can even die for her. Please, don’t try that at home.
Capability to Shoulder Responsibilities
I’m still a bachelor, but I can see that, marriage is like an official registration to carry out responsibilities. There is bride price to pay. That is not all; you will have to provide for the physical and emotional needs of your partner. It sounds like marriage isn’t for kids and broke boys. A friend of mine (Emmanuel) shared a marriage advice with me. According to him, if you prematurely rush into a marriage, you will rush out.
It’s better to take time to analyze your pocket before you allow a girl to trap you into a poverty-stricken marriage. Even though, riches do not guarantee a successful marriage, money makes things easier. With money, there is more joy and less fights. You need money to be able to take good care of your wife and family. Depending on the nature or class of your girlfriend, it may even be possible for you to get married with little resources. Several people have done it successfully. It is up to you to decide whether you have the minimum amount of resources to sustain a marriage. Do you have time and money?
As a fresh unemployed graduate, I wish I could marry early before the age of 29 or 30. The problem is that, I need to get a job or source of income before I succumb myself to marriage pressure from my girlfriend. I don’t know why girls like marriage like that. Is it a world cup? LoL! Anyway, that is understandable. Grown-up girls need independence from their family. At the same time, they are equally pressured by their friends and family members to marry. Therefore, it’s ok for girls to love marriage. However, good girlfriends should ensure that they give their men a chance to succeed, so that they can take good care of their needs. Pressuring a man to marry you ASAP, is not the right way to secure a husband. If he likes/loves you, he will marry you when he is ready. Don’t give too much pressure for young boys to marry you. We understand your impatience, but please gives us a break. We are sorting things out, one after the other.
About My Girlfriend (Bella) and Me
I just don’t know how it happened, but I think my partner and I were destined for each other. We have a fantastic chemistry. Our sense of fun matches perfectly. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, our educational levels are far apart. I’m a graduate; she is not. The good news is that, we understand, respect and love ourselves to the maximum. We fool together, cry together and advise each other and hustle together. That’s the beauty of our union. This is not to say that we don’t have problems. In fact, we do argue and annoy each other at times, but we often resolve our differences ASAP.
Anyway, forget about my bragging with my girlfriend. I just want to share my relationship experience with you.
In summary, the right time for you to marry your girlfriend is when you are ready with cash and attention. In addition to that, make sure your girlfriend is the marriageable type. I have already written great articles about qualities of good girlfriends. Read them and assess your partner before marriage
Read My Other Great Articles on Relationships Below
3 Shocking Secrets of Girls
Having a girlfriend could be a blessing. Example: For bad cooks like myself, it feels great when she comes around to cook good some food for you, in addition to washing and cleaning. As a careless boyfriend, my room is always disorganized until Bella comes to change its appearance. An icing on the cake is when she allows you to swim inside her. No two ways about that; you get to hit the target and whatnots. You can’t forget to mention the sensations that travel through your nervous system when you kiss her. 😄 Women are just specially made. Let’s give them an A+. Their soft bodies and curvy shapes are gamechangers. Not a lot of men can overlook a fat ass lady passing by. I wonder whether ladies also watch me when I swagger through town; I have never caught a glimpse of a lady trying to steal look at me. My looks aren’t that bad, so why? Anyway, I don’t mind at all.
Unfortunately, behind the appealing shapes of Girlfriends are deep secrets. This article will reveal everything today. Adequate knowledge about the true character of girls is a great asset; it can improve a relationship. But don’t be fooled! If you dig too deep into the secrets of girls, you might lose interest in continuing a relationship. It is advised that you practice moderation when searching for answers; you might become a lifetime enemy to girls.
The following are 3 secrets about girls and girlfriends in general.
They Love Lies
You don’t need to always be truthful to your girlfriend. It’s alright to occasionally lie to her. The truth hurts. So what do you do? Give them lies. I remember that day I told someone that I will put a ring on her finger very soon, she was beaming with smiles. Well, deep within me, it was just a comforting statement😄. I still don’t know my front from my back; you talking of rings, come on.
It’s also important for guys to realize that too much of lies can ruin a serious relationship. Constant lies jeopardize the level of trust between the partners. However, it will shock you to know that some girlfriends are even better liars than boys. A good boyfriend should be able to fish out a lying or cheating girlfriend and then react accordingly.
They Hate to Be Fooled
Girls love funny lies but they also hate to be disrespected. Just like men, girls love to be respected and valued. If you go too far with harsh words on your girlfriend, you are slowly decreasing her love for you. They want to have their voices heard, their ideas executed and their advice taken. The last time I made mockery of my girlfriend, I nearly received dirty slaps. I don’t exactly remember what I did.
Ok, got it. She found it unfunny when I started dancing around her to express my joy that she would finally leave my residence the following day, and therefore relieve me from unnecessary expenditure 😃. Ha-ha! That was too lame for her liking. I had fun in saying that, but the look on her face was scary and sorrowful. I had to apologize for saying the truth that way. Remember? I told you that they love lies. Maybe she wanted me to keep pretending that my pocket was still loaded with cash. That was not true to me. If she had intended to stay longer than that, my prepaid electricity meter would have exposed me bigly. I was left with her transportation fee.
They Like Money; They Hate Poverty
There you go. It’s normal though. The fact is everybody likes money (including men). Money brings a lot of comfort. Unfortunately, we are still in a generation where most females depend on males for their daily bread. To me, there is nothing wrong with that. The only thing that bores me is when I hear lies such as “What Men Can Do, Women Can Even Do It Better”. I’m sorry, but the statement seems to mean that if men can date women, women can even eat their monies better 😂. I will agree with that one👍.
But don’t get me wrong. Like I said, it’s not wrong for girls to occasionally request for money from their boyfriends. I even feel happy when I am able to cater for the needs of someone. The problem is that; some girls are like beggars. The only feel shy to step out and beg on the streets.
Some girlfriends are just too financially demanding. For me, I hate their type. I love the average girls who understand the hustles of life and believe in building a future with me. Gold diggers are not wife- materials. We already learnt about that in my earlier articles about qualities of good girlfriends and boyfriends. Many guys have become broke and poor because they went in for expensive girls (Slay Queens). Slay Queens are good-looking, but most of them cannot settle down with 1 man. Because of their promiscuity, some of them even harbor dangerous diseases. Be careful with their deceptive sexy bodies. Your life is more precious than 5 minutes 😂
Alright, Thanks for Reading.
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