All the advice you need for first-time sex
The secret thing you don’t realize about the first time you have sex until way after it’s happened is that there’s no wrong way to do it. As long as it’s totally consensual and safe, you’re doing everything right.
But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel nervous (or even a little anxious) about doing the deed for the very first time. Everyone has pre-sex jitters—no matter how cool they pretend to play it. And you should embrace the awkwardness! Because, I hate to break it to you, but sex can be just as awkward the 500th time you do it as the first. Smushing two clumsy bodies together is a perfect recipe for weird sounds and fumbling around, and that never really changes.
Here, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and psychotherapist Nicole Tammelleo, LCSW-R, share their tips for making your first time as pleasurable as possible.
1. Don’t fake an orgasm.
I know pop culture has ingrained in us all the need to moan and writhe with pleasure at every single touch, but do yourself a favor down the line and don’t set the bar for an orgasm via kiss immediately. Tammelleo says this is especially important the first time you have sex with a new partner. You don’t want to create any unrealistic standards, especially since many women don’t have orgasms the first time they have sex with a new partner.
“If you fake an orgasm or tell your partner you had one when you didn’t, it’s harder to communicate your needs in the future,” Tammelleo says. Plus, once you get into the habit of faking, it makes it that much harder to stop, take a step back, and be like, “Actually, what you’re doing doesn’t rock my world as much as you think, sorry.”
2. Be comfortable asking questions.
Whether it’s your first or fiftieth time having sex, the worst thing you can do is go into it with the assumption that you know everything about what your partner wants. No amount of slumber party gossip about blow jobs and giving massive hickeys can prepare you for what your partner is actually gonna be into. The only way to find out is to ask them: Do they like oral sex, or would they rather leave that off the menu? Would they rather have the music on or off? Not only does asking questions show your partner that you care, but it may also encourage them to do the same—making the whole experience better for everyone.
3. Know that sex should never hurt.
“Many women believe that the first time they have sex it will be painful,” says Tammelleo. “While it might be a little uncomfortable and awkward, it really should not be painful.”
Tammelleo adds that “hundreds of women” have told her that, when they had penetrative sex for the first time, it felt like their partner was “hitting a brick wall.” Which is absolutely not what this should feel like. Lube is an absolute must-have (more on that later), but if that doesn’t help get things running smoothly, you should consult your doctor or a gynaecologist to see if you may have a condition called vaginismus, which makes it really hard for anything to enter the vagina.
If your vagina is burning or itching or feels any sort of bad thing during or after sex, talk to your doctor, especially if the sensation quickly doesn’t go away on its own or gets worse over time.
4. And also that you might (or might not!) bleed.
The (incorrect, pretty problematic) myth that everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they have penetrative sex is, as is turns out, very much not true!
Yes, some people do bleed the first time, and that bleeding is usually caused by the stretching of your hymen—a thin, delicate piece of tissue located just a couple inches inside the vagina. But more than 50 per cent of people don’t bleed their first time, because the hymen can be stretched during regular, non-sex activities like jumping on a trampoline, riding a bike, or running around.
Also, bleeding after sex can happen at any time in your life—not just the first time. Once again: lube is your new BFF.
5. Remember not to compare your experience with anyone else’s.
Not only should you temper your expectations going into it, but also keep in mind that when you’re looking back on the experience later, not to beat yourself up about it. If you waited to have sex for the first time with a long term partner only to break up in the future, don’t feel bad for sharing that experience with that person as long as you had consensual, enthusiastic fun in the moment. It’s normal to cringe thinking about past sexual experiences, but that’s part of the fun.
6. You don’t have to tell someone it’s your first time, but you might want to.
No new partner deserves a full report of your sexual history. Whether you’ve slept with 50 people or zero, that’s your business. I repeat: no one is entitled to your “number.” However, getting intimate for the first time can be… well, intimate. If you feel like you’re withholding something important to you, it could negatively affect your overall comfort level and ~vibe~.
If you tell someone you’ve never had sex before and they freak, then they’re probably not someone you wanted to be with anyway. They should take that as their cue to be even more communicative with you.
7. Being safe can actually relax you.
Nothing is more distracting than worrying about STIs and pregnancy during sex. Even if it feels awkward, it is so, so, so important to chat with your partner beforehand about what you’ll do to protect yourselves. Use a condom even if you’re on another form of birth control to protect you both from STIs unless you are both monogamous with each other and STI-free (check out local clinics like Planned Parenthood for free/affordable testing).
8. Enthusiastic consent is a prerequisite for everything you do.
“Make sure you enthusiastically consent to each and everything the two of you do together,” Marin says. “‘Enthusiastic’ is a key part of that sentence. Don’t just go along with something—make sure you’re excited about it.”
Remember that just because you start an activity—for example, sex—you don’t have to finish or continue it: You have the right to pause or stop whatever it is. No. Matter. What. Same goes for your partner, of course: Check in with each other as things progress to make sure you’re both enthusiastic about what you’re doing.
9. Remember to breathe.
A big part of enjoying sex is focusing on the sensations you’re feeling instead of, for example, your nervousness (which is totally common to feel your first time, even if you know you’re ready to have sex). “Deep breathing is a fantastic way to let go of distracting thoughts,” Marin points out. As you’re taking those deep breaths, focus on how different parts of your body are feeling and how your partner’s body feels against yours—not just the obvious part, but their fingers in your hair, hands on your hips, whatever it is.
10. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Did I mention foreplay?
The more aroused you are, the better sex is likely to feel, so don’t neglect foreplay — including oral sex, manual sex, and, yes, good, old-fashioned kissing. “You’re more likely to orgasm from oral sex or fingering,” Marin says. “Resist the temptation to think of these activities as the things you do before moving on to the ‘main event.'” Whether or not you do orgasm the first time you have sex, clitoral stimulation is the key to most women’s pleasure, and vaginal intercourse doesn’t usually provide very much of it.
11. Caring about your partner’s pleasure matters more than your technique.
It’s natural to worry that you won’t be “good” in bed your first time, but trust: what matters most is that you are invested in how your partner feels and vice versa and that you two are communicating about it.
“A lot of people get anxious about sexual performance, but perhaps the best quality in a lover is enthusiasm,” Marin says. If you’re genuinely enjoying giving your partner pleasure, they’ll notice it, and have more fun, she says. Need some guidance to get you started? Simple questions like, “How does that feel?” and, “Do you like when I [fill in the blank]?” give your partner a chance to express appreciation for what you’re doing or (gently) ask for something a little different.
12. Feedback is not the same as criticism, so don’t hesitate to give it.
A common concern is that if you tell your partner something doesn’t feel good — or something else would feel better—they’ll feel attacked. But if they care about your pleasure, they’ll be happy to hear how to help you feel it. In the moment, it can be hard to figure out what exactly you want, so it can be helpful to talk after the fact about what you enjoyed, what you could do without, and what you’d like to try next time. And if you don’t have an orgasm, don’t feel pressure to pretend to have one. Think of organism not as your responsibility but as a fun goal to work toward with your partner(s), together.
13. Lube is your friend.
Using lube sometimes gets a bad rap as a sign that you’re not turned on enough, but even if you and your body are saying “OK, let’s do this!” a little lube can make sex so much more pleasurable. Another benefit of using a water- or silicone-based lube with a condom (avoid oil-based lube, which can degrade latex) is that less friction means the condom is less likely to tear.
14. Your partner’s penis might not do everything the two of you want.
Whether premature ejaculation, a limp penis, or inability to orgasm strike, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with your partner or you failed them somehow. Comfort with a new partner often takes time and communication, and that goes for both men and women.
Also, maybe this is a little much for your first time (but really it isn’t), there’s nothing wrong with bringing in a sex toy. Actually, it’s a great idea for all sex-having people.
15. Temper your expectations.
Teen movies and TV shows sold us a pretty unrealistic vision of what having sex for the first time looks like. It’s always perfectly choreographed and mood-lit and romanticand ends in an implied simultaneous orgasm. As if.
Don’t expect fireworks the first time you have sex—sex is messy and human and flawed and often awkward, no matter how many times you’ve done it. It’s the practice and the exploration that make sex fun.
When Should You Marry Your Girlfriend?
Girlfriends differ in beauty and character. But how will you perfectly plan the right time to marry the right girlfriend? It’s not enough to have a good girlfriend; the pressing issue is when to finally decide to take her to the altar. Nowadays, the ultimate goal of most serious romantic relationships is marriage. Consequently, once you enter into a relationship, you become tied to a string of marriage promises.
There is no doubt that marriage is an important social institution which fulfills the common dreams of the lovers involved. In fact, I can’t wait to get married to Bella (my supposed beautiful girlfriend). We have been together for too long (almost 3 years). Even though I would like to get married as soon as possible, I do think that marrying the right girlfriend at the wrong time could negatively affect your futures. The worst case scenario is when you marry a wrong girlfriend at the wrong time; then you are finished.
Are you bothered with thoughts about when you should marry your sweetheart? Does your girlfriend keep pestering you with marriage arrangements? Don’t worry; Be relieved. This article will assist you to cope with the pressures and demands which come with dating.
Factors to Consider Before Marriage
Desirable Partner Qualities
Girlfriends come in millions but few are good and marriageable. We can say that, many are called, but few must be chosen. A man may be able to hide and date multiple girls for fun, but theoretically, it’s impossible for him to get married to all of them. I think it is pretty easy to figure out the right girl to marry. Just ask yourself these questions: Do you really love each other? Is your partner understandable or trustworthy? Is she respectful? Can she support you to achieve your dreams? For me, these are the most important qualities I usually expect from good girlfriends. Once I ascertain that a girl possesses these desirable qualities, it becomes very easy for me to fall for such a girl. I can even die for her. Please, don’t try that at home.
Capability to Shoulder Responsibilities
I’m still a bachelor, but I can see that, marriage is like an official registration to carry out responsibilities. There is bride price to pay. That is not all; you will have to provide for the physical and emotional needs of your partner. It sounds like marriage isn’t for kids and broke boys. A friend of mine (Emmanuel) shared a marriage advice with me. According to him, if you prematurely rush into a marriage, you will rush out.
It’s better to take time to analyze your pocket before you allow a girl to trap you into a poverty-stricken marriage. Even though, riches do not guarantee a successful marriage, money makes things easier. With money, there is more joy and less fights. You need money to be able to take good care of your wife and family. Depending on the nature or class of your girlfriend, it may even be possible for you to get married with little resources. Several people have done it successfully. It is up to you to decide whether you have the minimum amount of resources to sustain a marriage. Do you have time and money?
As a fresh unemployed graduate, I wish I could marry early before the age of 29 or 30. The problem is that, I need to get a job or source of income before I succumb myself to marriage pressure from my girlfriend. I don’t know why girls like marriage like that. Is it a world cup? LoL! Anyway, that is understandable. Grown-up girls need independence from their family. At the same time, they are equally pressured by their friends and family members to marry. Therefore, it’s ok for girls to love marriage. However, good girlfriends should ensure that they give their men a chance to succeed, so that they can take good care of their needs. Pressuring a man to marry you ASAP, is not the right way to secure a husband. If he likes/loves you, he will marry you when he is ready. Don’t give too much pressure for young boys to marry you. We understand your impatience, but please gives us a break. We are sorting things out, one after the other.
About My Girlfriend (Bella) and Me
I just don’t know how it happened, but I think my partner and I were destined for each other. We have a fantastic chemistry. Our sense of fun matches perfectly. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, our educational levels are far apart. I’m a graduate; she is not. The good news is that, we understand, respect and love ourselves to the maximum. We fool together, cry together and advise each other and hustle together. That’s the beauty of our union. This is not to say that we don’t have problems. In fact, we do argue and annoy each other at times, but we often resolve our differences ASAP.
Anyway, forget about my bragging with my girlfriend. I just want to share my relationship experience with you.
In summary, the right time for you to marry your girlfriend is when you are ready with cash and attention. In addition to that, make sure your girlfriend is the marriageable type. I have already written great articles about qualities of good girlfriends. Read them and assess your partner before marriage
Read My Other Great Articles on Relationships Below
Looking For Motivation? The Article Below Will Change Your View About Life
3 Shocking Secrets of Girls
Having a girlfriend could be a blessing. Example: For bad cooks like myself, it feels great when she comes around to cook good food for you, in addition to washing and cleaning. As a careless boyfriend, my room is always disorganized until Bella comes to change its appearance. An icing on the cake is when she allows you to swim inside her. No two ways about that; you get to hit the target and whatnots. You can’t forget to mention the sensations that travel through your nervous system when you kiss her. 😄 Women are just specially made. Let’s give them an A+. Their soft bodies and curvy shapes are gamechangers. Not a lot of men can overlook a fat ass lady passing by. I wonder whether ladies also watch me when I swagger through town; I have never caught a glimpse of a lady trying to steal look at me. My looks aren’t that bad, so why? Anyway, I don’t mind at all.
Unfortunately, behind the appealing shapes of Girlfriends are deep secrets. This article will reveal everything today. Adequate knowledge about the true character of girl is a great asset; it can improve a relationship. But don’t be fooled! If you dig too deep into the secrets of girls, you might lose interest in continuing the relationship. It is advised that you practice moderation when searching for answers; you might become a lifetime enemy to girls.
The following are 3 secrets about girls and girlfriends in general.
They Love Lies
You don’t need to always be truthful to your girlfriend. It’s alright to occasionally lie to her. The truth hurts. So what do you do? Give them lies. I remember that day I told someone that I will put a ring on her finger very soon, she was beaming with smiles. Well, deep within me, it was just a comforting statement😄. I still don’t know my front from my back; you talking of rings, come on.
It’s also important for guys to realize that too much of lies can ruin a serious relationship. Constant lies jeopardize the level of trust between the partners. However, it will shock you to know that some girlfriends are even better liars than boys. A good boyfriend should be able to fish out a lying or cheating girlfriend and then react accordingly.
They Hate to Be Fooled
Girls love funny lies but they also hate to be disrespected. Just like men, girls love to be respected and valued. If you go too far with harsh words on your girlfriend, you are slowly decreasing her love for you. They want to have their voices heard, their ideas executed and their advice taken. The last time I made mockery of my girlfriend, I nearly received dirty slaps. I don’t exactly remember what I did.
Ok, got it. She found it unfunny when I started dancing around her to express my joy that she would finally leave my residence the following day, and therefore relieve me from unnecessary expenditure 😃. Ha-ha! That was too lame for her liking. I had fun in saying that, but the look on her face was scary and sorrowful. I had to apologize for saying the truth that way. Remember? I told you that they love lies. Maybe she wanted me to keep pretending that my pocket was still loaded with cash. That was not true to me. If she had intended to stay longer than that, my prepaid electricity meter would have exposed me bigly. I was left with her transportation fee.
They Like Money; They Hate Poverty
There you go. It’s normal though. The fact is everybody likes money (including men). Money brings a lot of comfort. Unfortunately, we are still in a generation where most females depend on males for their daily bread. To me, there is nothing wrong with that. The only thing that bores me is when I hear lies such as “What Men Can Do, Women Can Even Do It Better”. I’m sorry, but the statement seems to mean that if men can date women, women can even eat their monies better 😂. I will agree with that one👍.
But don’t get me wrong. Like I said, it’s not wrong for girls to occasionally request for money from their boyfriends. I even feel happy when I am able to cater for the needs of someone. The problem is that; some girls are like beggars. The only feel shy to step out and beg on the streets.
Some girlfriends are just too financially demanding. For me, I hate their type. I love the average girls who understand the hustles of life and believe in building a future with me. Gold diggers are not wife- materials. We already learnt about that in my earlier articles about qualities of good girlfriends and boyfriends. Many guys have become broke and poor because they went in for expensive girls (Slay Queens). Slay Queens are good-looking, but most of them cannot settle down with 1 man. Because of their promiscuity, some of them even harbor dangerous diseases. Be careful with their deceptive sexy bodies. Your life is more precious than 5 minutes 😂
Alright, Thanks for Reading.
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LIFESTYLE: 4 reasons your vagina smells a little funky
LIFESTYLE: 4 reasons your vagina smells a little funky
Ever get that not-so-clean feeling? We’ve all been there: You head to the bathroom post-workout and bam, things don’t really smell so fresh down there.
But is that really even have a problem? Your vagina isn’t supposed to smell like roses, and a lot of women think that there’s something wrong with them when there isn’t, says Lauren Streicher, MD, medical director of the Northwestern Medicine Center for Sexual Health and Menopause and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever.
You’re leaking pee
“When you talk about vaginal odour, the first thing you need to figure out is whether it is, in fact, coming from the vagina, or is it really a genital odour?” says Dr Streicher. (Remember, your vagina is located inside of your body, while everything surrounding it is your vulva or your external genitals.) For a lot of women, it’s incontinence.” In many cases, women have just a small amount of leakage that they’re not really aware of—they only notice the odour.
– Freshen up: Since the root of this issue is external (urine hanging around your genitals or underwear), showering and changing clothes should do the trick. But do tell your doc if you often have trouble making it to the bathroom on time. There are meds and other interventions that can help.
You’re sweaty down there
Feeling swampy? Don’t freak out, dealing with a sweaty crotch is actually pretty normal. Most of your body is covered in eccrine glands, which produces a watery sweat that doesn’t always lead to a funky smelly. But other parts of your body—especially your armpits and groin—are home to apocrine glands, which release more of a stinky sweat, Suzanne Friedler, MD, of Advanced Dermatology in New York City
Wearing panty liners and exercising frequently can also lock in odour since heat gets trapped in. Some people also deal with excessive sweating, a condition known as hyperhidrosis. It’s more common around your underarms, hands, and feet, but can also affect your crotch area.
– Freshen up: Ditch the panty liners, look for underwear made of breathable cotton, and try to change immediately after your workout (Certain brands even have sweat-wicking properties, like these from Hanes.) Trimming your pubic hair also helps since it can trap odour, especially during the warmer months.
You’re harbouring a missing tampon
It sounds crazy, but Dr Streicher says that lots of women insert a tampon and forget to take it out. Maybe you’re at the end of your period but put one in “just in case,” and then it slips your mind because your time of the month was ending. You could have mindlessly inserted a new tampon without taking the first one out. Assuming it’s lingered in there for a while, the smell will be really strong, says Dr Streicher.
– Freshen up: You guessed it—you need to get the tampon out. Your doctor can easily remove it, or you can take a crack at it yourself: Lie flat on your back and put two fingers deep into your vagina. “Women can probably get it out themselves, but most of the time they don’t even know it’s there,” says Dr Streicher.
The bacteria in your vagina are out of whack
“The most common cause of vaginal odour is an imbalance in the normal flora in the vagina,” which causes a fishy odour, irritation, and thin to no vaginal discharge, says Dr Streicher. This unpleasant bacteria can take over anytime, but it’s most apt to happen after your period or sex because both blood and semen can throw off your natural pH.
What about yeast infections? Those might cause a slight yeasty scent, but the odour is rarely the main complaint. Itching and thick, white discharge are more common.
– Freshen up: If it turns into a full-blown infection (known as bacterial vaginosis), you’ll need antibiotics. But in many cases, you can catch the problem before it calls for meds. Dr Streicher tells patients to try RepHresh Vaginal Gel, which works to correct the pH balance in your vagina. You should notice a major improvement after two treatments, she says. If you don’t, it’s time to call your doctor (and probably get a prescription).
How to get rid of vaginal odour
Remember, your vagina doesn’t need to smell like Febreze. When it comes to keeping odour at bay, you don’t have to do much. Beyond the reasons listed above, your vagina actually does a really good job of balancing out your pH and bacteria all on its own.
However, cleansing with a gentle soap around your vulva during your typical shower won’t hurt. Go for one that’s gentle, hypoallergenic, and unscented. Just avoid washing directly in your vagina (and douching is a major no-no) since this can actually disrupt your pH and mess with your natural bacteria, increasing your risk of infection.
As for those special feminine hygiene washes? You don’t need them, says Dr Streicher. “They won’t help with infections, and for regular cleansing plain soap and water is fine.”
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